I sometimes think _______________ is judging me because __________________.
… a list.
1. My therapist; because I talk too much.
2. The Chinese food delivery guy; because I ordered too much food, or my house is a mess, or I order too often, or I’m home on a Friday night / Saturday night / Thanksgiving.
3. The pizza delivery guy; same stuff.
4. The sushi delivery guy; (you get the picture).
5. The pedicurist; because my heels are dry and cracked, or my nail polish is half chipped away, or because I forgot to shave my legs and/or my toes.
6. My children; because I am lazy and I order takeout too often instead of cooking them well balanced meals.
7. My dog walker; because I don’t have a job. Seriously. I can hear her thinking, “what the HELL do you need me for? You don’t get enough time on Facebook???”. It doesn’t help that we are Facebook friends and she can literally see that I’m wasting a lot of time on Facebook instead of walking my own damned dog.
8. Our nanny; because my house is messy, because I don’t have a job but still have a nanny (but there’s more to the story of why I have a nanny even though I don’t have a job, and it’s only one day a week, and …oh quit judging).
9. My housecleaners; because my house is messy, and disorganized, and seriously, are we ever going to hang that picture or are we happy with it leaning against the wall on the floor? My housecleaners probably don’t know that I don’t have a job. If they did, I’m pretty sure I’d think that they probably judge me for having housecleaners.
10. My ex boyfriends, because it is obvious from my Facebook profile picture that I’ve gained weight since I dated them in my teens and/or my twenties.
11. The grocery store checkout clerk because … lady? not a single vegetable? really? And also, DORITOS (TM)? Again??
12. My husband; because I am lazy. No seriously, I am. I’m not even sure I am going to finish this li